


Rightside Up

by SoloChaos



Series: Inside Out, Upside Down, and Rightside Up [3]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Crying, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff, Homophobic Language, Hospitalization, M/M, Not Really an Eating Disorder, Religious Conflict, Self Harm (not cutting), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 08:51:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SoloChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>WARNING: there are discussions of eating disorders and suicide in the fic. if you struggle with or have struggled with eating disorders and/or suicidal thoughts, i recommend that you skip this one.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Rightside Up

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: there are discussions of eating disorders and suicide in the fic. if you struggle with or have struggled with eating disorders and/or suicidal thoughts, i recommend that you skip this one.

  
  
Josh thinks that things are going well. Tyler hasn't thrown up in six weeks.  
  
(Well, four weeks if you count the time he had a stomach virus and Josh freaked out a lot.)  
  
Tyler's doing well.  
  
Josh supposes it's inevitable that it stops.

 

* * *

  
Tyler and Josh aren't even doing anything obscene.  
  
Tyler and Josh are only holding hands when someone starts shouting at them.  
  
Tyler feels his face grow whiter and whiter as the man turns his slurs towards religion. It's something that Tyler hasn't really thought about, surprisingly.  
  
He hasn't thought about God.  
  
"Fucking faggots like you go to fucking _hell!"_  
  
Tyler can feel Josh's hand tightening in his, pulling him away from that man.  
  
He tries to let that moment go.  
  
Josh finds him crouched in front of a toilet, tears running down his cheeks that night.

 

* * *

  
"Tyler," Josh murmurs, trying to push down the panic that's bubbling up in his chest. Tyler's /crying,/ God. He drops to his knees and rubs circles in Tyler's back until he stops heaving.  
  
"Sorry," Tyler says thickly, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.  
  
"Don't be," Josh says, pulling him into a hug. "Don't be sorry."  
  
Tyler sort of dissolves into Josh's chest.  
  
"I thought it was okay," Tyler says, clenching his fists. "I thought I would be okay. But I'm not."  
  
"Tyler..." Josh grabs one of Tyler's hands, uncurling it and holding it tight.  
  
"I don't think I'll ever be okay," Tyler says. "I don't think I'll ever be perfect, Josh."  
  
"I don't want you to be perfect," Josh says firmly. "I want you to be Tyler."  
  
Tyler laughs brokenly, a little hysterically. _"I_ don't want to be Tyler," he says, pressing his face to Josh's chest. "I don't want to be me anymore. Josh, I don't want to be me. I don't want this, I didn't ask for this, I don't want this, Josh, I don't want to be me anymore, I don't want to _live-"_  
  
"Tyler!" Josh yelps. "God, _Tyler."_ He's suddenly hugging Tyler as tightly as he can, like he's trying to wrap himself around Tyler, like he's trying to assure himself that yes, Tyler's still here.  
  
"I'm sorry," Tyler says. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry Josh, but I don't want to-"  
  
"Shut up," Josh growls, feeling his eyes start to water and his heart beat faster. "Shutupshutupshut _up."_  
  
"Josh..." Tyler murmurs.  
  
"You have no idea," Josh whispers, "how much you mean to me."  
  
Tyler clutches Josh's hand.  
  
"You have absolutely no idea what I'd do if I lost you," Josh says, feeling the tears in his eyes spill over. "What I'd do if you killed yourself, Tyler, oh my god."  
  
Tyler's sobbing now, and Josh isn't far behind.  
  
"I love you," Josh says. "You have no idea how much I love you."  
  
"I think I do," Tyler says. "If it's the way I feel, then I do."  
  


* * *

  
Later, once they've both calmed down, Tyler and Josh curl up on their hotel bed and talk.  
  
"I forgot about something," Tyler says softly. "When I realized I was gay."  
  
"Forgot what?" Josh asks.  
  
"I forgot about God."  
  
Josh stills. "Is this all about that guy from this morning?"  
  
"...yeah," Tyler admits.  
  
"Don't think about him," Josh says firmly. "Don't listen to anyone like that."  
  
"I don't, not usually," Tyler says. He sighs. "I was a little... thrown off when he brought God into it."  
  
"Oh." Josh sounds quieter, subdued, like he knows where this is going. He probably does.  
  
"I don't want to go to hell," Tyler whispers.  
  
"You won't," Josh says.  
  
"How do you know?" Tyler asks. "Maybe this is a sin, Josh, maybe. I don't want this to be a sin."  
  
"I don't believe in hell," Josh says, holding both of Tyler's hands tightly. "Why would God create humans, creatures that he apparently loves, only to give them flaws that condemn them to eternal suffering? It doesn't make any sense."  
  
"We make our own choices, Josh."  
  
"And why did you choose to be gay?" Josh challenges. "You didn't."  
  
"This could be wrong," Tyler says.  
  
"But this could be right," Josh says firmly. "It feels right."  
  
"...it feels right," Tyler agrees.  
  


* * *

  
That morning, Josh presses words and kisses to Tyler's neck that mean the same thing.  
  
 _iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_  
  
And they might both cry a little, but Josh doesn't worry about it.  
  
It feels right.  
  


 

* * *

 

  
Sometimes Tyler forgets that Josh doesn't actually know everything.  
  
So it comes as a surprise when Tyler realizes that Josh doesn't always know when Tyler's having a bad day.  
  
He doesn't know if he should tell Josh that the bad days are happening a little too much.  
  
Josh looks too worried already. Tyler doesn't say anything.  
  
He's good at hiding himself. He managed for nearly seven years.  
  


* * *

  
Josh is starting to get a little worried about Tyler.  
  
Tyler's starting to look like he's always sick. He's starting to look like he did before Josh found out.  
  
Josh tries to keep a better eye on Tyler, but he thinks he's missing something.  
  


* * *

  
Sometimes Tyler feels so faint that the edges of his vision fade.  
  
He eats then.  
  
He eats.  
  


* * *

  
Josh thinks that there's a piece of the puzzle that's been shoved under the rug and chewed on by rats that he's missing.  
  


* * *

  
It's almost disappointingly cliché.  
  
Tyler's prowling around the stage performing Fake You Out when he feels his head start to spin.  
  
He immediately heads for the piano even though it's too early, but he needs to sit down.  
  
He doesn't make it.  
  


* * *

  
Josh doesn't even remember moving.  
  
He just remembers Tyler's voice stopping, and he remembers Tyler falling.  
  
The next thing he knows, he's kneeling besides Tyler's crumpled form, desperately checking his vital signs. Tyler's pulse is too slow, too faint. He can feel Tyler's ribs though his shirt, and Josh wants to sob.  
  
How could he miss this?  
  
There are suddenly people everywhere, surrounding them, talking about 911 and fainting and Josh is allowed to keep holding Tyler's hand.  
  


* * *

  
Tyler wakes up to the smell of antiseptic, the sound of a heart monitor, and the warm weight of someone's hand in his.  
  
He opens his eyes and turns his head to see Josh asleep in the chair next to him, holding Tyler's hand tightly.  
  
Josh starts to stir when Tyler squeezes his hand.  
  
"Tyler!" Josh says, sleepy eyes widening.  
  
"Hi, Josh." Tyler's surprised by how hoarse his voice sounds.  
  
Josh just stares at him for a long time.  
  
"Why'd you do it, Tyler?" Josh finally says.  
  
"Do what?" Tyler doesn't meet Josh's eyes.  
  
"Starve yourself," Josh says.  
  
"I didn't-"  
  
"They cut your clothes off, Tyler!" Josh shouts. "You're a fucking _skeleton!"_  
  
Tyler flinches. "I didn't starve myself," he whispers. "I ate, Josh. Really."  
  
Josh deflates. He presses Tyler's hand to his lips.  
  
"You were killing yourself, and I didn't notice," Josh says, voice slightly muffled by Tyler's fingers. "I didn't notice."  
  
"There was nothing to notice," Tyler says firmly. "I wasn't starving myself, Josh, you saw me eat. And..." he pauses, "Josh, I'm good at not getting caught throwing up."  
  
"Tyler," Josh says, sounding strangled.  
  
"I'm sorry," Tyler tries.  
  
"Stop being sorry," Josh murmurs. "Stop."  
  


* * *

  
When Tyler's mom arrives at the hospital, Josh is pretty sure they're doing it backwards.  
  
But it feels good to cry on somebody else's shoulder for a while.  
  


* * *

  
There are doctors and therapists that come in and use words like _eating disorder_ and _bulimia_ and _anorexia_ and _no jurisdiction to hold you_ and _recommending therapy._  
  
Tyler tunes them out and thinks about Josh.  
  


* * *

  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Josh asks.  
  
"Tell you what?"  
  
"That things were getting bad again," Josh says.  
  
"You seemed stressed enough already," Tyler says, looking down. "I didn't want to worry you."  
  
Josh closes his eyes. "And you thought that ending up in a hospital was a way to relax me?" He knows he's being a little unreasonable, but he doesn't care.  
  
"I wasn't _trying_ to end up here," Tyler snaps. "I wasn't _trying_ to wind up here with heart monitors and IVs and fucking therapists that go on about 'body image' and, and my _mom_ with sad eyes and phone calls with my family and discussions of fucking therapy and... and headaches and fading vision and fainting and, and I don't know, possible fucking _liver_ failure, and..."  
  
Josh watches as Tyler dissolves into sobs.  
  
"I didn't mean for this to happen, Josh," Tyler says.  
  
Josh crawls into the hospital bed with him.  
  
"I believe you," he whispers, and they fall asleep like that.

 

* * *

 

...

  
  
"Dude, did you eat the last of the chips?" Josh asks, peering into the cupboard sadly.  
  
"Sorry," Tyler says. He doesn't sound very sorry.  
  
"You left the package in here," Josh complains, throwing it out. "I saw it and got all excited because I thought there would be chips for me to eat."  
  
"Sorry," Tyler says, laughing because he's an asshole.  
  
Josh gives Tyler his best disapproving look, which only makes Tyler laugh harder.  
  
"Come on, let's go have bunk sex before Mark catches us," Tyler says, grabbing Josh's hand.  
  
  
Later, as Josh watches Tyler sleep, he think, _We're good. This is good._

It's good.

 

 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> I'm so, so sorry.
> 
> Now tell me I'm a bad person.


End file.
